My Case Against Facebook
Before a few months ago, I had never thought of joining Facebook. I already have a social networking site account with Friendster and frankly, didn't think there's a need to sign up with another one because a) I'm not good at remembering passwords and b) I haven't yet reached the 500 friends quota I set for myself.
Anyway, I decided to switch to Facebook (well, not entirely switch since I'm still keeping the old Friendster account for reasons I'm not really sure of) because I heard it's better than most social networking sites. Well, better than Friendster and MySpace, as far as I know, since I haven't really checked the others. Some of the people I knew who are already registered with Facebook boast of the website's clean look and safer cyber environment. One friend was even so fond of it (read: borderline obsessed) that he would incessantly send me invitations to sign up with the website and join his network. For months I have successfully fought the urge to click the link to Facebook's sign-up page, but after being visually sodomized by Friendster and nearly losing all hope for social networking sites (and probably, even humanity), I relented.
So now I have a Facebook account. I should be happy, right? After all, Facebook really turned out to be the perfect little social networking site everyone painted it to be. Except maybe for a couple of things:
Interface
I'm sorry but WTF is wrong with Facebook's interface? For a website that is supposed to have a clean look, Facebook has a complicated design. The first time I browsed the website after registering, I didn't even know how to set up my own profile. Now that would have been understandable if I'm a 50-year-old woman who is yet to hear about Two-Girls-and-One-Cup and rick-rolling but I'd like to think I'm an Internet-savvy person, which means that I have created online profiles more often than I have, say, seen the inside of a Catholic church.
I think the main problem is that Facebook has too many things going on with it all at once. Which is good, yeah, if one actually cares about keeping up with all of it. But the thing is that two minutes into browsing the website, you kind of get the feeling that Facebook is trying so hard to become an important website when it is just, you know, a social networking one. Granted, it's the most popular social networking site today, but still.
People
If Friendster is the haven of the aesthetically-challenged, Facebook undoubtedly is where the narcissistic multitude gathers. The website combines micro-blogging and social networking, which makes it the perfect conduit for voyeuristic and egocentric activities that have catapulted the Internet into awesomeness. Facebook is Twitter and MySpace rolled into one, so it no longer comes as a big surprise if you encounter here some of the most self-absorbed people this side of the World Wide Web. I’m talking about people like…
The Frenetic Fan
Here is someone who obviously idolizes a lot. And by “a lot” I mean nearly anything and everything. While most people are just fans of famous personalities and celebrities, The Fan takes his fanaticism to batshit inane levels to include adulation of mundane inanimate objects and everyday activities. Believe it or not, there are those who consider themselves “fans” of ice cream, midgets, grass, and sleeping.
I mean, really, you’re a fan of sleeping?
Worst Offender:
If you call yourself a fan of Jesus, then what do you call His disciples? Groupies? Roadies? What about the Pope? Is he Jesus’ PA?
I think there’s already a name for people who are “fans” of Jesus: Christians.
Mr. Personality
Want to know what number of a mythological animal that is of a certain color of a specific element in a made-up realm of the parallel world matches your aura? No? Are you sure?
I know that question doesn’t make any sense. And unsurprisingly, neither do the other personality quizzes in Facebook. But that doesn’t stop Mr. Personality from answering them anyway, much less posting the results on his profile/wall for everyone to see.
I mean, c’mon, does he really think that people gives a flying fuck if he was a pirate-slash-ninja in his past life? More importantly, is he really that unsure of himself that he needs countless of Facebook quizzes to ascertain what kind of person he is?
You know, I have a tip for those who spend hours on end answering stupid personality quizzes. If you want to know something about yourself, ask someone who actually knows you. Like, oh I don’t know, your parents who raised you or the people you’re friends with. Even your stalker is more qualified to identify what type of flirt you are than a Facebook personality quiz. I’m just saying.
Worst Offender:
The Narcissist
As the name implies, The Narcissist is someone who just can’t get enough of his looks. The easiest way to spot a narcissist is to check the number of pictures he has of himself in his profile. I think a collection of somewhere between 10 and 20 pictures is pretty much standard. Fifty also seems a reasonable figure. Heck, even 100 can be considered tolerable. But, 500?!? WTF? Who do you think you are, Hugh Jackman? Scarlett Johannson?
So unless you’re a celebrity, a model or a freak of nature, no, you should not have 500+ pictures of yourself in your profile.
Worst Offender:
Really, now. Five hundred pictures of you in Boracay? I… I am astounded by your astronomical opinion of your good looks.
The KSP
I understand that, in real life, there are people whose objective in life is to be the center of the Solar System Galaxy Universe. The KSP is among them. This is the kind of person who is so full of himself he actually thinks other people’s lives should revolve around him. Unfortunately, Facebook also teems with people who think the Internet was created solely for them.
I’m sure you all know a KSP. It’s the guy who deems it important that you know every minute detail of his earthly existence by posting a new status about himself on Facebook every freaking hour. Important details like what he had for dinner, for instance. Or if he’s still breathing. Or whether he shat soft poo or hard poo. Basically shit like that.
It’s annoying because it’s like spamming. Only spams are way more interesting because they keep you in the loop about penis enlargers and tranny sex.
Worst Offender:
Good thing Facebook allows you to “mute” or “hide” these people. I think it’s actually the best feature of the networking site.
Well, next to Mafia Wars and Restaurant City, of course.
